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FROZEN: a break from indie film and a spoiler filled recap

February 18, 2013

January 2011


FROZEN:  I watched this little piece of hilarious “horror” last night. I had recently seen it on some list of “Underrated Films of 2010” but it was already in my Netflix queue for some reason, so I decided to see it.

And I thought it was ridiculous. I mean, at least it made me laugh, and often that is the beauty of horror films, that the characters are so stupid it’s funny to watch them die. But this film, aside from having an interesting premise, just seemed to take the easy way out at every turn, and does not really give you any surprises.

And so this review is going to be completely spoiler filled. Not a review, just a funny, spoiler filled recap. Don’t read it if you plan to see the film, because I’m going to tell you everything that happens. But if you want to be smart and watch something better with 90 minutes of your time, Read On!

The premise is that the three characters (two male best friends and one girlfriend) get stranded on a ski lift. I think that is a very interesting idea, one where maybe you could explore the psychology that happens when you are literally stuck in midair with no way to get down. Kind of like that movie with the couple stranded in the ocean, waiting for sharks to eat them. That film was WAY more interesting. Or for an even better example, 127 HOURS, where there is only ONE character stuck in one spot, not going anywhere. That film is not so much about his escape but about the psychological changes he must go through.

Ah well, why do something complicated when you could take the easy way out? First, start out with three unlikeable people who have already irritated you to death in the first 15 minutes. But then, when the three of them realize they have been stuck up there, they waste no more than a few seconds before they FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Within two minutes they’ve dropped their gloves and goggles. In five minutes they realize it’s Sunday night and no one will be back to the lifts until Friday… because ski resorts close during the week?? WHAAT?? But even if this is the one resort in the world that closes during the week why does it not occur to them that maybe someone will notice them missing, like, THE VERY NEXT DAY.

Now sure, I don’t want to spend the night on a ski lift. In fact, after my last horrific zipline episode (long story for another day) I’ll probably never get on a ski lift again (and I’m okay with that). But the first thing that would have gone through MY mind would be getting comfortable and covered up, and trying to get through the night until morning and THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Not freak out so badly that within ten minutes the only option available to them is OBVIOUSLY to jump OFF the lift. From at least a good 25 feet above ground. So sure enough, within minutes we have one asshole jump right off the ski lift where he breaks his fucking shins in half in the snow. This could have been an interesting turn of events, leave the two above and the one below, just as stuck. But no, because it takes a pack of wolves a good 10 seconds to find him and eat him dead. Awesome!

So the other two end up spending the night up on the chair anyway. And (miraculously!) don’t freeze to death. BUT, because they are moronic assholes, they’ve left their hats way up on their foreheads (the better to see their pretty little faces) and now they have frost bite. Better yet, the girl, who is missing one glove, left her uncovered hand on the chairlift overnight, where it has now frozen. What moron would do this? It doesn’t take much instinct to just stick your hand inside your sleeve (and to cover your face with your hat, but whatever). EVEN BETTER: instead of unsticking the hand with some warm spit, she pulls it right off the handle, leaving several layers of skin behind. This was obviously done just for the gross factor, but come on, if no rational person would do this, and there’s a very easy, pain free solution, it’s just dumb.

Now the other guy makes a few attempts to shimmy across the lift line above, and after a few failures he actually makes it to the nearest pole!! And there is a ladder!! And he makes it all the way down the ladder! AMAZING!!! Oh, but here come the wolves! Watch out, Guy! So the girl tosses him his ski pole, because they couldn’t hold on to their gloves or goggles, but that guy still had his ski pole with him, and he manages to scare the wolves, and get to one of their dropped snowboards, sit his butt on it, and slide down the mountain.

Oops, there go the pack of wolves after him!!

NEXT morning… Oh, the girl still hasn’t frozen yet! And see, if the other two assholes had just stayed on the lift there would be THREE alive people. But obviously no one who has a family or friends or coworkers who care where they are.

Because no one has come to save her yet! What happened to Guy #2 on the snowboard? Didn’t he get help? So anyway, the lift is now hanging by one screw (because Guy #2 broke it during one of his escape attempts), and Girl decides she needs to get off the lift, wolves be damned. And so she tries to lower herself off, but of course then the lift falls… but only halfway! It’s hanging by a rope! So she can drop herself down, and she hurts her leg, but it’s not snapped in two. And she starts sliding herself down the mountain.

Oh, here are the wolves! They’re chomping on their supper from the night before, Guy #2. Guess he couldn’t sit-board down the mountain fast enough. They all start growling at Girl, but when they decide she doesn’t really want to have any of their luscious buffet herself, they just lick their chops and go back to their leftover breakfast and ignore her. So she continues sliding down the mountain.

And somehow, she manages to slide right down into the ROAD! Where there is an actual CAR that comes by, which is AMAZING since this ski resort is closed during the week! But the driver guy gets the almost dead Girl into his car, and takes her to the hospital. Because there always has to be one person left to tell the tale, right? And I guess the irony is that the one person to make it down the mountain was the one person with no ski experience! Oh! CLEVER! That’s probably why it was one of the most underrated films of 2010!!! Anyway: The End.

The Moral of the Story: Don’t get off the ski lift until the wolves are nice and full after feasting on at least two of your friends.

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